And we met again. When I was drunk. It is another day that I am lost in smoke and alcohol. An ordinary day that I have to leave without you.. It is another day that I am lost in smoke and alcohol. An ordinary day that I have to leave without you. And it is not ordinary, because your loss has become my every-day life and a way of living, but because it is an empty day, without a single difference that could make it special and exciting.
And as I have one drink after another and I stare at the empty bottle, I can see our moments passing by in front of my eyes. I travel in my memories backwards in fast forward. I want the moments that I think of you to have a sweet taste. And yes, every other day I am cursing you. But now, that my mind makes these sinful thoughts, I want to enjoy every single one of them. Two sips from you, then one from my glass or both together.
You affect me exactly like alcohol. You drug me, you numb me, you give me the goosebumps. It is the same effect, but yours has lasted almost six months and my body and mind cannot get rid of you yet. Because I know that at some point I won’t have other booze to drink, my glass will remain empty. But you babe, I guess you never end. My glass will fill again this night as long as I want it. But I won’t be able to fill myself again by waiting for you to come back. I see its red color and I feel like I can see you smiling. And you have that smile, that you never liked, but I loved to cause and stare at.
I drink and I feel the same burden and bitterness to the one I felt when you left me with a single goodbye in your car. That car that you wished so badly to change, but I had found my place into its comfort.
I listen to this week tune and I feel that I can hear your voice whispering again. This voice that couldn’t come out without the morning coffee but had a lovely hoarseness.
And as this damn alcohol floods every part of my body and I feel it freezing my internals, my breaths become heavier and my head is about to explode. And it is exactly the same feeling like the first time I kissed you. Why did I think of you again? I am always better when you are out of my mind. But I guess I fool myself when I say that I don’t feel anything anymore. I sit at our place, at the exact same table where we used to sit, but not the chair next to me remains empty. I have lied down on the bar. And if someone who knows me, see me like this, he will understand that once again I hug your absence. Loneliness is always hard to tackle. But burning for you once again this night makes feel happy deep inside me.
You are my hardest burden, but I can’t think of a better person to cause me such a thing. It is that sweet feeling that makes me want to come at your house and swear at you. Fight with you and then hug each other with such intense that will make all the pieces become whole again.
But I know that it doesn’t worth it coming there again. My self esteem is already low enough by getting wasted again for you tonight. This time I will get myself together and I’ll leave. At some point I need to understand that our fairytale is over and that I live in this painful reality. In a world that you don’t exist and it doesn’t worth waiting for you patiently to come back.
Good night my love, we’ll never meet again. I need to stop destroying myself for you, for your loss and for your return.