It is a truth which we all have to face at some point in our lives that the one we love the most may also be the one we hate the most.
Love goes hand in hand with hate. Some would say hate is a sort of negative love. The true opposite of love is indifference. And that was the basis of my problem. I could not let go of you. I loved you with a ferocious intensity, even when I knew that I was leading myself down to my own destruction. I could not stop. I guess I know what addiction truly means. I loved you with a passion even when that passion came to burn me in my own internal fire.
I stuck by you no matter it cost.
I kept choosing you. Hope becomes a bitter pill to swallow for people like me. It kept alive the dream that maybe someday you would change and we could stop this dance of mutual self-destruction. I thought I knew you. Or maybe it was that I knew myself enough to know that try as I might I could not go on without you. I loved you, and I hated you but I could never leave you.
I eventually chose you over myself. I gave up on me and soon made myself believe that this choice I made wasn’t a choice at all, and that I had no option. You convinced me that there was no other way. Words failed us and the silence stretched on forever over the dead body of our relationship that I tried to keep alive, knowing well that my choosing you did not mean you choosing me.
With a push of a button I have exorcised you out of my life.
Gone are all the old photographs. I have the strength to admit that it hurt. It hurt a lot. But some things have to be buried in the past to move on. Today I stopped choosing you. I truly chose my own happiness and I realized that I wasn’t dependent on you to be happy. Trying to chose my own life, my dreams, and my passions to pursue.
Remembering all that I had lost and buried for the sake of you. I went digging through my memories and despite the pain realized that this is what it takes to get back on my feet. I found myself again. I need someone who will love me the way I am and give me the love I deserve. Today’s the day I stop choosing you, to stop loving you and once again to love myself. You tried so hard to stop that for good.
The day I stopped choosing you will, one day, be a distant memory.
But for now, for the moment, it will be a sad, emotional day. Someone said it right when they said what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.