True freedom is whatever you want it to be!
It’s okay to be indecisive. There’s a certain liberation in the fact that I don’t know what I’m going to do. I weigh my options and tear apart my avenues of thought. When I’m done thinking about it, I’m no surer of anything than I was before. And you know what, that’s okay.
Society has told us that we should make good decisions and stable ones at that. To sit on the fence is to be nowhere, they said. It’s a place of lost identity and nothingness. I disagree. I think no choice is a choice in itself, and I practice this more and more as I grow older. So you can stop telling me to make up my mind. Maybe I don’t want to.
Why it’s okay to say “I don’t know”. Its right up there in the “awesome response” category with the word “no”. Personally, I like to use these words every day, and sometimes to irritate toxic people. But back to the point.
There is too much pressure to have it all together, to limit yourself to a grieving time frame and to always know what you want to eat before you get to the drive thru. Why do we need to follow these guidelines? I mean, they are not authority’s laws after all, and I was never in the military and I don’t think that way! Uggh..
While they’ve been trying to convince us that freedom was being void of stress by being organized and put together, I’ve been experiencing the freedom of just blowing in the wind. The more they tell me to figure it out, the more I could care less. Guess what, that’s okay too!
The relationship status
It used to bug me to no end when someone didn’t want to commit. I wanted an end game, a ring and a predictable morning of routine. I remember trying everything in my power to convince my boyfriend to marry me. When I was finally married, it seemed strange. My problems were not magically solved and rainbows and glitter didn’t grace the sky. Nothing changed! Nothing except this strange desire to be free again.
I didn’t see that coming.
So, I stressed every day, wondering if I was going to die. I tried all sorts of diets, exercise and even studied herbal remedies, but nothing took the fear of death from me. I went to clinics and spoke with specialists who did scans, x-rays and tests only to find out that…
There was nothing wrong. I had horrible symptoms of “I’m about to die” but nothing was wrong, mind you. There was nothing I didn’t try to ensure my health and long life. But symptoms persisted and I just didn’t know why.
I didn’t see that coming either.
My aunt died, and that was devastating to me, considering she had been in my life since birth. I was a spiritual person, so I asked for prayer to heal my sorrow. It was all good, all nice gestures and friendly intentions, but it was not enough. In fact, when they told me I should put a time limit on grief, I was disgusted.
“Maybe after a month, you should stop crying and move on.” They said.
Now, I really didn’t see that coming.
My point is, I don’t want to make a decision, I don’t want to make boundaries and I sure as hell don’t want to look for death anymore. I don’t know, okay. I have made no decisions about life and I am sure about nothing. I guess this sounds ridiculous, but to me, it’s something else.
To me, it’s freedom.
Let me be